Dear fitness instructor……

This morning I discovered not one but two new followers on twitter that were both fitness instructors, one was a supposed celebrity instructor and the other one from what I could gather was specifically for the gay community. It made me take note a bit because when I’m going through my twitter feed I am inundated with images of delicious food which in itself makes me constantly hungry and reminds me that I wish I could spend all of my time in the kitchen, cooking, eating, writing and entertaining. Unfortunately like a lot of us foodie bloggers I have a full time job so this is just not a viable option not yet anyway. Intertwined with all these images of food are images of equally delicious men, all bronzed, toned, bulging in the right places with teeth gleamingly white as snow. It’s my own fault, I follow these feeds so I only have myself to blame. Some are celebrities, some are photographers, and then there are the underwear companies, gay magazines, swimwear sites, other aesthetically pleasing fitness instructors, actors, singers and even the odd porn star. Please note that I only followed them, the porn stars that is, just because they followed me and it’s courteous to do so on twitter, is it not? As far as I’m aware I’m not being followed by any celebrities that I know of.
In theory, my obsession with food should make me obese or at the very least in that slightly lower category of just fat or the even more polite arena of “you’ve put on a few pounds”, as my best friend not so long ago told me. I most certainly should be on the Katie Hopkins hit list and be told that I need to “eat less and move more”. The fact is that I do eat an awful lot of food. I eat obviously at home, I also eat out a lot, I entertain at dinner parties, have friends over for breakfasts, host supper clubs, test recipes, bake cakes, eat biscuits, review cookbooks, attend launches, the list seems endless with one common denominator, food.
I would love to have a toned rippling body but I just don’t have the time, no really I don’t, I don’t live near a gym so it would take me forty minutes to get to one, add that to a minimum of an hour in the gym then you are talking two and a half hours’ worth of my day, it’s just not going to happen. Ideally what I’d like is one those fitness instructors to knock on my door, I will be ready in my gym gear, he can have an hour’s worth of my time at times to suit me five times a week for the next eight weeks and then by all means he can photograph me ‘before’ and ‘after’ and prove that it can be done. I don’t need the nutritional advice stuff, I know all that I just need the workout. I have no doubt it can be achieved but then after those eight weeks what happens? Rest assured no doubt my fitness instructor will issue me with a daily twenty minute routine I can do in my own home without the need to go to a gym, only one problem here, I used to enjoy getting ready to get sweaty with my fitness instructor, I’m unlikely to motivate myself to do sit ups, push ups and weights on my own in my bedroom with two cats a dog running around my feet when I’d rather be watching Mary Berry on tv saying to myself “those hands are not going to whisk much longer” or planning my next ten course supper club the theme of which could be ‘How to lose those love handles and still eat well’ featuring a course from all the latest health guru cookbooks like Deliciously Ella, Eat Nourish Glow or the annoyingly beautiful mother and daughter team whose recipes are all the vogue these days, Hemsley and Hemsley. I won’t go there with my opinions on the model turn cook brigade.
I do exercise, I walk most places and run a few times a week and I am on my feet more often than not, granted a lot of the time with a glass of wine in my hand but standing up still counts as calorie burning in my world. I can safely say that the main reason I’m not overweight is that I eat in moderation, I always cook from fresh, never eat processed foods, never touch anything with artificial sweeteners in, never calorie count, never diet, I listen to my body and I understand food. When it’s coming up for my holidays and I need to look reasonably alright in my swimwear (not speedo’s, that’s another debate) I will cut out the carbs a bit and eat less sugars. I am happy, happy with myself, happy with the way I look, happy with my boyfriend and he is happy with me. I’m not depressed that I will never have a six pack, the time and effort getting one must be extremely satisfying if that’s your thing. I’d much rather my time and energy went on my hobby of food. However on a final note I was wondering if I could cut a deal with any of my fitness instructor followers. You knock at my door five times a week so we can get sweaty together and I’ll provide you with a perfect nutritionally balanced meal to take away with you every visit? Get in touch.

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